Fear and failure induced depression - how do we over come it?

I've had a multitude of friends approach me in the last week for advice on how to overcome their fears. A few examples:

• a struggling marriage due to depression, that has led to infidelity
• a failed business venture that has now debilitated this individual's confidence for succeeding in their life again
• an individual who has overcome addiction and is now facing entering the workforce again, but dealing with debilitating fear, self doubt, and shame

I don't know why these people felt comfortable coming to me to discuss these issues, but I consider myself lucky to have been entrusted, and welcomed to offer my guidance and perspective. It's safe to say we've all dealt with one, if not more, of these issues. Suffice it to say, while a lot of us don't talk about these things, they're eerily relatable. 

A bit of my back story: I'm newly divorced, after having been in an abusive marriage for nearly 15 years. It's scary to share that, and put myself out here in the open with such intimate details of my past. However, one of my main intentions of this blog is to create a safe space where I, and you, can share fears, shame and issues of self doubt. Silently suffering has a painful and crippling effect. 

The resounding issue that continues to come up is - how to do we overcome fear and failure induced depression? I preface that statement with a specific subset of depression, as I'm not a mental health professional and as such cannot comment on more serious forms of mental illness that require intervention and medication. 

I've dealt with self doubt, debilitating shame, insecurity, and a resounding sense that people don't take me seriously. After years of therapy, trying different techniques (some unconventional I'll discuss at a later time), employing meditation as a daily practice, exercise, plenty of reading and talking with my support network, I've somewhat come to terms with how to deal with my own issues of "not feeling good enough".  An incredible doctor I had when I lived in Calgary, refused to give me anti depressants when I was going through my separation, as he said: "I acknowledge you're going through a tough time right now - but - you need to feel the things you're feeling, because it's going to build character. Allow yourself to feel the pain". 

While it's incredibly easy to place the blame on everyone else - childhood trauma, an abusive or controlling (ex) partner, a toxic work environment, a city you don't like, we have to remember, the common denominator in each and every situation is you. Your reality is a reflection of your psyche. If your approach to life is to victimize yourself, then most likely that will be your reality. I can say that with utmost certainty, as I employed that attitude for most of my adult life. 

With pain, comes change. Can I say I'm proud to be divorced? No. It's been a confusing dichotomy for me - at times I wear it as a badge of honour. Other times, I'm ashamed because of social conditioning equating it to failulre. Funny isn't it, that making the choice to leave a toxic and harmful situation is deemed as defeat. If you disagree, stop yourself for a moment and question if you've ever judged a single parent, or divorced person as "damaged goods". Damaged because they have a past? Damaged because they chose to to value their self worth over what people "might think" if they left? 

Whatever your "growing edge is" - it ultimately all funnels into the fear to make change. This is a daily practice for me - what am I doing with my life? Is this where I want to be? Where am I going? Are my current choices catapulting me to my next venture? It's a constant fine tuning and tweaking - when we stop evolving, we may as well be dead. 

While I don't have all the answers, what I do know is that instead of allowing your fears to dictate your future - just do. Get up and do something, or anything. If it doesn't work, redirect, and try something else. Instead of telling yourself "everyone will think I'm a joke", think about the infinite possibilities and success that could abound. The problem with the fears we face, is that they're tied to our fight or flight response. Biologically we are scared because it all tethers into our body's survival reaction. Whereas the reality we exist in today, doesn't have consequences that may result in starvation or death. So your business venture didn't work - try something else. Take some time to grieve, have a long hard look at what you learned and where you went wrong, then brush yourself off and keep on moving. Your marriage is struggling - get help, communicate, speak out. Don't hide - you'll be shocked at how many people will be happy you spoke up, because they felt so alone too. You're scared to get back into the work force? Reach out to friends, family and colleagues who can connect you to the right individuals that may result in an opportunity you didn't otherwise knew existed. Our culture has developed into one where we fear asking for help, because we've been conditioned to think we need to "do it on our own". 

This is a daily practice I use, and while I have a long way to go - until my death bed - believing in myself has opened doors I never imagined possible. It's resulted in me taking risks, and putting myself out there in ways I never thought I was capable of. Your thoughts are seeds - plant them wisely. If you believe you're going to fail, you will. It's the ultimate self fulfilling prophecy. Your thoughts are your reality. Yes, it seems daunting, and yes it seems crazy, but just try it. 

I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite hip hop groups - Gang Starr:

" Design your thoughts like a sculpture. "