Who is responsible for your orgasm?

I saw an article on Vice recently with the following headline:  "Straight Women Are Having Fewer Orgasms Due To Their Useless Partners". After initially chuckling, I had to stop and think for a moment - is it true? Do straight women really have fewer orgasms than men? And if it's an accurate finding - why is that the case?

According to the study, after interviewing 52,000 participants - individuals of varying sexual orientations - the results showed that 88% of lesbians always reached climax, whereas only 65% of their straight counterparts finished.

I've spoken to a lot of women over the years about this exact topic; friends, co-workers, neighbours, acquaintances - a disarmingly large amount of whom rely heavily on their vibrators. The reasons are endless; sexless marriages, body image issues, weight gain, children, infidelity, and the most common - the inability to disconnect mentally from the day to day. Heavy issues aside - disconnecting and being present in the moment is surprisingly hard (no pun intended). If you're a man reading this; you probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

You could argue this is an issue we need to take into our own hands; stand up for ourselves and not be scared to ask for our orgasm (Thank you, Amy Schumer). So why then, are there so many women who continue to have this persistent issue? Is it us? Do we just not know our bodies well enough?  So then - what's wrong with a vibrator, you ask? Well, certainly it's reliable. But it's a cheap thrill. It's quick. It's convenient. It's like the McDonald's of orgasms. It requires minimal effort and as such, the results mirror exactly what you've put into it.

I spoke to a friend recently who's going through a divorce; her reasons for her unhappy sex life were disappointingly cliché - she worked too much, she was predominantly the sole caregiver to their child - she just thought she was a tired, over worked Mom and that sex just wasn't a part of this period of her life. Reasons unnecessary to share here; she decided to separate from her husband and shortly after their split, began seeing a man 25 years her senior. Blame it on his life experience or blame it on her excitement - she said it was the best sex of her life and the earth shattering orgasms were ones she had never before experienced. So, what gives?

Are our sexual partners to blame for our orgasm deficiency? While happily making them the scapegoat for our lack of happy endings is an incredibly easy feat; what does that say about us? Are we unknowingly victimizing ourselves? What if we took a different perspective and took control of our climax?

I'm lucky to have a "sexual guru" friend - one of those rare unicorns who relies on nothing but her hand, candlelight and a level of self awareness that does not resonate with most. On more than one occasion, she's advised that you really need to get to know your body -  I'm talking hours - yes hours - where you do nothing but caress, touch, listen and get to know what makes your body "tick". Where men can detach, disconnect, and at times have sex that's lacking in any mental faculties at all - for women, the brain matter is where it all lies.

Ultimately, I don't think blaming our partners for our lack of getting off is a fair finger to point - it's far too complex of an issue to pin on any one reason. However, if I've learned anything in my short 34 years, it's that placing blame and victimizing yourself for your own problems will likely result in those problems continuing to persist. If you want to get off - tell your how man how to achieve so. And if that means you need to learn how to do that yourself - light up those candles girl, turn off your phone and take the afternoon off work. In time, you'll probably know exactly what to do.