Why do we pity single people?
I consider myself lucky to be living in the "era" and age bracket I am; we live in a time where professional opportunities (for the most part) are equally available to both men and women, so long as they're qualified and capable of performing the job. Because of this, we no longer have to stay in bad situations because we're not dependent on a partner to provide for us. Not that long ago, women felt "stuck" - they were the primary care givers of the home and children, by and large uneducated, and lacking in any skill set to go out and find a job that would support a family. My Mom attests to this - in her senior year in high school she went to speak to her guidance counsellor to be advised on what schools she should apply to - he said "Aren't you going to work on getting your MRS?" Her "Mrs." - can you imagine if someone said that to you now, or to your daughter?
Whereas now - I'm hard pressed to think of any of my friends who don't at the bare minimum have a certificate, or diploma in some type of vocation. My network is comprised of incredibly educated people with degrees, masters and Phd's. It's no surprise then, that these people also have successful and lucrative careers that provide them with financial stability and security.
Why then, do I encounter so many of my female friends - these are fierce, empowered, independent women with successful careers, homes they own and purchased independently, and a lifestyle that would be envied - who feel as though there's something "wrong" with them for being single and in their 30's. Whereas speaking to my male friends in similar situations, don't express the same fears, or sense of shame.
I spoke to a large pool of friends - all who respectfully asked to remain anonymous (and some who outright refused to participate altogether) - and I wanted to share their feedback, as it was incredibly fascinating and enlightening.
Here, a friend from Portland shares his stance:
"So here's the thing - I think it's super regional/local. Here in Portland, there is no stigma whatsoever. I'd say that the stigma doesn't start to creep in until at least 40, if ever. People here just give less of a shit about age- related milestones. Oh you're married but childless? 40 and dating/casual sexing? Nobody cares so long as you're not creepy about it. Also, when I lived in NYC it was completely natural to meet single women out, enjoying single life in their 30's. The "sex and the city" effect. Liking sex, cosmos, and being single in your 30s + was totally okay. That whole phenomenon really changed dating in NYC. Older women started moving TO NYC just for that. No stigma whatsoever. But when I lived in Washington, DC, totally different. By 35, people were like, what the hell is wrong with you. Why aren't you married?
I think the prevailing culture of a place dictates whether there will be a stigma or not. If you live in a more suburban, family oriented place like perhaps Kelowna, or a midwestern or southern city where people settle down earlier, there will be a stigma for sure. Cultural norms have always had a huge impact on dating practices, and that culture varies. In NYC you have the three date/three drink rule. That rule did not exist at all in Portland or DC. My sister had a guy introduce her to his parents on a second date when she lived in Florida, and that was seen as totally normal. It's all about the culture. So perhaps you may want to look at what the culture you're in expects of single women and when they expect it, rather than saying being single in your 30s invites a stigma. Perhaps it's something like "what's wrong with the culture of this place that we live in that it's not okay to be single at this age? What is expected of me/us and why?"
Also, it goes without saying that the rules are completely different for men and women: it's totally normal to see a man still enjoying being single in his 40s and nobody asks why. If you're a 40+ woman, people start to wonder why. Sexism is a brutal but pervasive reality when it comes to dating norms".
Next, the opinion of a single female friend in Calgary:
"I honestly don't know why I bother. Probably because I feel like something is wrong with me if I don't have a boyfriend and I'm ok with that. It's fucked up. I don't know how much I experience loneliness or if it's just more of a feeling of pressure to settle."
Now, an observation of an older friend from Penticton:
"I view people in their 30s as on the cusp of realizing their creative and professional potential. Multiply that if they're single and free of society's expectations around family and security issues. After people move through their 20s, they see their 30s as a time to make their mark, to put their newly acquired skills and wisdom to work - to create, build and accumulate. A lot of that thinking is in response to societal expectations. Failure is measured and metered. If these people choose to limit their "projects" ie not having children, or some other benchmark behaviour, they risk ostracism, but, strangely, have more resources available to concentrate on what they feel is more important".
And lastly, another single female friend from Calgary:
"Being single - I have, on several occasions, received looks of disgust or pity from older women when I tell them I'm single. They look me up and down like I'm damaged or something is broken. I've been told by family that I shouldn't act "like that" because it scares off or intimidates men. I've been treated like I don't belong. I've been encouraged to not go to parties because "everyone is bringing their other half, you might not want to come". I'm happy with my life and I know I'll find the right man one day. I'm a strong, independent woman and I shouldn't have to apologize for that. "
Whereas now - I'm hard pressed to think of any of my friends who don't at the bare minimum have a certificate, or diploma in some type of vocation. My network is comprised of incredibly educated people with degrees, masters and Phd's. It's no surprise then, that these people also have successful and lucrative careers that provide them with financial stability and security.
Why then, do I encounter so many of my female friends - these are fierce, empowered, independent women with successful careers, homes they own and purchased independently, and a lifestyle that would be envied - who feel as though there's something "wrong" with them for being single and in their 30's. Whereas speaking to my male friends in similar situations, don't express the same fears, or sense of shame.
I spoke to a large pool of friends - all who respectfully asked to remain anonymous (and some who outright refused to participate altogether) - and I wanted to share their feedback, as it was incredibly fascinating and enlightening.
Here, a friend from Portland shares his stance:
"So here's the thing - I think it's super regional/local. Here in Portland, there is no stigma whatsoever. I'd say that the stigma doesn't start to creep in until at least 40, if ever. People here just give less of a shit about age- related milestones. Oh you're married but childless? 40 and dating/casual sexing? Nobody cares so long as you're not creepy about it. Also, when I lived in NYC it was completely natural to meet single women out, enjoying single life in their 30's. The "sex and the city" effect. Liking sex, cosmos, and being single in your 30s + was totally okay. That whole phenomenon really changed dating in NYC. Older women started moving TO NYC just for that. No stigma whatsoever. But when I lived in Washington, DC, totally different. By 35, people were like, what the hell is wrong with you. Why aren't you married?
I think the prevailing culture of a place dictates whether there will be a stigma or not. If you live in a more suburban, family oriented place like perhaps Kelowna, or a midwestern or southern city where people settle down earlier, there will be a stigma for sure. Cultural norms have always had a huge impact on dating practices, and that culture varies. In NYC you have the three date/three drink rule. That rule did not exist at all in Portland or DC. My sister had a guy introduce her to his parents on a second date when she lived in Florida, and that was seen as totally normal. It's all about the culture. So perhaps you may want to look at what the culture you're in expects of single women and when they expect it, rather than saying being single in your 30s invites a stigma. Perhaps it's something like "what's wrong with the culture of this place that we live in that it's not okay to be single at this age? What is expected of me/us and why?"
Also, it goes without saying that the rules are completely different for men and women: it's totally normal to see a man still enjoying being single in his 40s and nobody asks why. If you're a 40+ woman, people start to wonder why. Sexism is a brutal but pervasive reality when it comes to dating norms".
Next, the opinion of a single female friend in Calgary:
"I honestly don't know why I bother. Probably because I feel like something is wrong with me if I don't have a boyfriend and I'm ok with that. It's fucked up. I don't know how much I experience loneliness or if it's just more of a feeling of pressure to settle."
Now, an observation of an older friend from Penticton:
"I view people in their 30s as on the cusp of realizing their creative and professional potential. Multiply that if they're single and free of society's expectations around family and security issues. After people move through their 20s, they see their 30s as a time to make their mark, to put their newly acquired skills and wisdom to work - to create, build and accumulate. A lot of that thinking is in response to societal expectations. Failure is measured and metered. If these people choose to limit their "projects" ie not having children, or some other benchmark behaviour, they risk ostracism, but, strangely, have more resources available to concentrate on what they feel is more important".
And lastly, another single female friend from Calgary:
"Being single - I have, on several occasions, received looks of disgust or pity from older women when I tell them I'm single. They look me up and down like I'm damaged or something is broken. I've been told by family that I shouldn't act "like that" because it scares off or intimidates men. I've been treated like I don't belong. I've been encouraged to not go to parties because "everyone is bringing their other half, you might not want to come". I'm happy with my life and I know I'll find the right man one day. I'm a strong, independent woman and I shouldn't have to apologize for that. "
What's your take? If you're single (or not), do you feel we ostracise those who aren't coupled up, or elect not to be in relationships? Why have we been conditioned to feel that marriage and children should be the end game?
Thank you to all who shared their personal experiences and stories - I applaud you for opening up.
Please comment below with your feedback and insights!
Thank you to all who shared their personal experiences and stories - I applaud you for opening up.
Please comment below with your feedback and insights!
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